Winter

by Andrew Huang

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1.
Winter 02:24
i have a long way to go on my knees in the rain and snow with fire and war eating up the life around me but i don't hear them make a sound we have a long history and i don't think that she misses me but every day i stop my trudging on to write these little nothing songs of love, love to write these little nothing songs of love it's cold when she reaches out a bony arm pushing through the ground to grab my wrist and drag me down to see her to ask if i could only free her from the box i buried her in i say it's not that i don't miss you i just know that if i kiss you you'll turn me into someone i don't want to be it's hard to say goodbye so many times it's hard to say goodbye so many times don't make me do it again, please god don't make me do it again i have a long way to go
2.
climate change aside, you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me lead this lonely life, full of yearning, and love thrown into the sea but i confess, if not to you, i can only blame myself underneath these eyes, every stream flows to meet your heart in deep but the cold is wry, and my tears freeze and cocoon me in my sleep but i digress, and i dream of waking up to you
3.
Agatha 03:21
she turns and walks away i have nothing to say give me a reason why it's like this devotion becomes a snowing sky what did you want from me that i couldn't be it was so easy to hold on if you could see me now always beneath a cloud and as i just stand here in this dead town the tendrils begin to pull away what did you want from me that i couldn't be it was so easy to hold on i'm giving up, i'm giving in collapsing here on ice so thin i'm letting go, i'm letting you win because everything is changing and there’s nothing else worth doing because everything is changing what did you want from me that i couldn't be it was so easy to hold on
4.
i am filled with the deepest loneliness but i had to let you go i am filled with the deepest loneliness loneliness, only this loneliness but don't turn back i don't deserve that my heart burns black for you i am filled with the deepest loneliness but i had to let you go i am filled with the deepest loneliness loneliness, only this loneliness but don't come home i'm running from hope turn the sun cold turn the sun cold and go i had to let you go you’re everywhere that i turn (i'll never be with you) and i know we can't go back (i’ll never be with you) well i’m trying, i’m crying (i’ll never be with you) babe, i live like i’m dying not to think of you i am filled with the deepest loneliness but i had to let you go i am filled with the deepest loneliness loneliness, only this loneliness
5.
Now i lay(with everywhere around) me(the great dim deep sound of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and what a gently welcoming darkestness— now i lay me down(in a most steep more than music)feeling that sunlight is (life and day are)only loaned:whereas night is given(night and death and the rain are given;and given is how beautifully snow) now i lay me down to dream of(nothing i or any somebody or you can begin to begin to imagine) something which nobody may keep. now i lay me down to dream of Spring
6.
Dreaming 03:38
dreaming of an escape but in your fear you just wait in your eyes, heaven burned and you prayed it would return (prayer) you were wrong, you were wry took so long just to lie loom the winter selfish choices cheating lovers distant voices flash of jewellery stymied temper trap your echo in a black december had you on the phone had you on the road had you in the parking lot had you in the bed had you at the bar had you at the coffee shop tell me i'm dreaming
7.
Alexandra 01:56
20 years old, 120 pounds but you had no trouble knocking five drinks down alexandra ritzy fur coat, thrift store shirt and a pair of blues eyes that you know how to work alexandra we only had a night or two but i let myself confide in you oh alexandra 1,000 miles don’t feel so long when i can still hear you sing those songs alexandra but now you’re driving some prairie path and i’ve been trying to think how to bring you back to canada we only had a night or two but i let myself confide in you over whiskey doubles, tried and true the snow just coming lightly through oh alexandra now you’re back in nebraska
8.
Heartbreak 02:11
it's hard coming home to you when you're not at home to come to another late night i turn off the light alone at a quarter to two it's hard getting money to last when you like to spend it so fast is it diamonds and cars or dimes at the bar that have drained all the mattress's mass it's hard to tell you you're my sweet when you're becoming friends with deceit the heartbreak and harm is part of your charm the part of me that's incomplete
9.
Trees 04:09
way back when the forest was a tree you knelt down and kissed us tenderly and from the dew, far as the eye could see grew the grapes, grew the grapes a vintage sweeter than the finest flora on a tongue so sharp, it came and almost tore you and in the place that we now know as california we fell asleep, fell asleep mother, were you weeping when the sun went down? mother, did you hold us in your arms? are we sorry enough? we used the sun and starlight as a tent the legends and inventions came and went a hundred thousand years were scored and spent digging graves, digging graves if we dreamt, we only dreamt serenely but when we woke, the sound was all machinery and everybody made it look so easy to be calm, to be calm mother, were you weeping when the sun went down? mother, did you hold us in your arms? mother, will you show us how to mend the scraps of this bridal gown? pour your wine on your tablecloths and clothes raise a glass for our glorious, scoffing toast here's one for the jowls of our host we'll let her weep, let her weep
10.
Want 03:38
o, well i wanted you, yeah i wanted you
11.
Her Majesty 02:33
when we agreed to be in love i'd hoped we'd grow, keep growing up you held my hand you held my hand you held my hand you held my hand mast raised sideways, we faced the sea this wartime shoreline took mine from me you held my hand you held my hand you held my hand you held my hand
12.
Oxana 03:50
if she ever comes back to me back home from the factory he's making her work now it can never be alright she was the only light but these kids, they grow up make choices, and so what i've lost my daughter to these callous wolves it can never be alright she was the only light it can never be the same again i'm just waiting for this day to end i'm saying it's too bad i let her run so free oh but these kids, they get old and their plans, they turn cold i've lost my daughter to these frigid souls it can never be alright she was the only light
13.
Surrender 03:42
i don't even remember your face the toil of my heart such a waste i'm searching all over the place for your remains a shred of ineffable here the smell of your neckline and fear but nothing is as it appears except for your pain 'cause there were problems at the bottom of the time we called autumn the time that we loved all the same, i surrender i can't say i've left you alone though i'm never leaving my home your heart lives inside of my bones your heart is a sham pinch me, i'll wake up again trembling here in the glen i'm taking you right to the end and isn't it grand there were problems at the bottom of the time we called autumn the time that we loved all the same, i surrender baby, i'm doing the things you made me while everyone tries to take these auroras down so say goodbye to sunlight and all of the things you've done right i'm falling with the flags love, all the same, i surrender
14.
the bottle’s moved from the shelf to my desk i don’t take rocks anymore, but you could probably guess but i still feel it no matter many drinks i still feel it, i still feel it they said take up a hobby, so i stare at these walls they said time heals all wounds, so i let it crawl but i still feel it no matter how high i get i still feel it, i still feel it you and i had a long time in the sun you and i had it all you and i had a long time in the sun now every day i watch it fall take me back to those golden days when across every table i would see your face well i don’t weep anymore and i no longer wait but i still feel it, lord i still feel it oh i still feel it, i still feel it
15.
Amen 06:25
the hearts and knees are worn so thin the scarves and jackets too our eyes are closed to be opened the backs of blindfolds bruised your wallet's lost its minted shine your lips have waited pursed we taste the rain instead of wine and only feel more thirst well, amen to that, amen to that say when to clap our hands and when to cry and we'll say amen and we'll say amen to that and we'll say amen and we'll say amen the window's cracked, the door's ajar the children's mouths are fed a few worn sandals travel far the widow makes her bed it's only dusk, we say at dawn with hands up, lifted high the air is our redemption song we fill our lungs with skies and amen to that, amen to that say when to clap our hands and when to cry and we'll say amen and we'll say amen to that and we'll say amen and we'll say amen the silence has you chasing scars and all the love you lack the tears you weep are shooting stars and you can't bring him back give me those old stories one by one it goes oh, oh, oh well, amen to that, amen to that say when to clap our hands and when to cry
16.
Victoria 04:19
off-white dress from bangladesh i get lost against your flesh wounds may heal and memories fade but all that's real in love is oft betrayed what i feel about you is wrong but i'll still keep singing my song until you're singing along you feel like home when i'm alone and when you're here you're all i know brazen smile and blackened eyes it takes a while to truly believe inside that what i feel about you is wrong but i'll still keep singing my song until you're singing along i get so lost

about

Where AUTUMN's overarching theme was of things changing and dying and slipping away, WINTER meditates on the finality of endings and what must be done beyond them. Every song is very direct in its relationship - to a past love, to a friend, to a daughter, to nature, to self, to god - and every song is a struggle with the pains of life that seem inescapable, the ones in which it is hardest to remember that eventually, with time, you might be able to move on. But you also might not.

credits

released February 27, 2014

Written, recorded and produced by Andrew Huang.
Additional recording on 2 by Chris Graham.
Additional recording on 10 by Rob Scallon and Jae Chong.
Words on 5 by E. E. Cummings.
Artwork by Dylan Royal.

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Andrew Huang Toronto, Ontario

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