Cosmos

by Andrew Huang

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about

With beds of cutting synths, 808 drums, and samples ripped from YouTube videos, COSMOS is a dark pop/rap album that wrestles with where to find meaning, truth, and belonging. The majority of it was produced over the course of a year that I spent traveling through Asia, Europe, and Oceania, learning a lot about the world and myself, experiencing some of my highest highs and lowest lows. The overarching theme has been to learn to be more vulnerable, with both others and myself. Finding one's place in life necessitates an exploration of one's inner world, and involves a lot of acceptance, and I think that is often accompanied by the realization that everyone's experiences are as different from each other as they are real and complex. Cosmic space is massive, but there is a universe within each of us as well.

credits

released September 15, 2015

Written, recorded, and produced by Andrew Huang.
Clarinet on 10 by Matvey Kostukovsky.

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Track Name: Go Wild
i’m a cannonball, neanderthal
in camouflage, on adderall
make the room bounce like it’s racquetball
make a racket, y’all, i’m coming back to drawl
a brain in the bathtub
preserve it by splashing some alcohol
the rest of me’s left in this padded stall
‘cause i’m going, i’m over niagara falls
my caterwaul reaching the ether blues
then peacing and resting in betelgeuse
i’m riding this hypervelocity star
i don’t know what you regular people do
step into my office, it’s an ocean view fitted with rockets
i’ll go to the top but who knows for how long
if i just keep knocking myself off it
i live in my own shadow
fighting a palace the size of cloud
and making your bones rattle
gripping the system and riding it loud
it’s villainous how i’m killing this
the illest - do your due diligence
my voice in the mix like a wolf
tearing the throat out these novice ventriloquists
i’m doing this like i’m trying to get sick of it
and i’m not even a little bit
i’m the dissonance in your unwillingness
’til i finish it, doing this ’til there’s just no more
no word, no sound, no style
until then, every single last one of you knows that i’m amping to go wild

well could it be, could it be
i’ll keep on walking
so light it up, look at me
‘cause i’m not stopping, no
they can’t cage me
they don’t phase me
well could it be, could it be
i’ll keep on

still repping toronto
a link in the chain but almost beyond those
‘cause i’m trying to elevate all of us up to the cosmos
i don’t network, but i get work
i take work, i can make work
and i play first, and i don’t need nods
from venomous girls in their fake fur
i’m taking you all the way
saying what you don’t have balls to say
guess as a feminist i'll have to say
i’m saying what you don’t have vag to say
we live in a backwards age
some people can’t even get past the name
well if i get higher than highnesses
you can just call me your majesty
where my kings and my queens
your crowns, bring them to me
got you in a scaffold to a black hole
yes i’m bringing you deep
’til you wake and everything was a dream
’til you turn into something with some meaning
tearing the fabric of all your reality
better do more than just cling to the seams
eye of the needle
we’ve been painting this parable up on your easel
preach to the people, it’s easy to turn mediocre to evil
so fast, so cinch, so close, so vile
so i go hard, go real, go far, go wild

well could it be, could it be
i’ll keep on walking
so light it up, look at me
‘cause i’m not stopping, no
they can’t cage me
they don’t phase me
well could it be, could it be
i’ll keep on
Track Name: Shadow 1
there’s no vision through the haze now
had my own kind of shakedown
1979 could have been good
under weather, hunting unknown pleasures
sort of maybe courted a disorder
i’ll be sober when it’s the day of the lord, or maybe not
she’s lost control with me
still looking so pretty
in the wilderness, in the shadowplay
running thisaway, smoking thataway
i remember nothing, i see in black and grey
redacted, my whole saturday
i never want to land - it’s my lucky day
baby had a pill, gave a half away
you know what they say
when anne hath a will
anne hathaway

yeah i've been collecting mistakes
speed it up i don't put on the brakes
heathens and hedonists heating this scene i've been heeding
a life on the heap and a soul in the flames
on the heels of a good run
get lucky, i did it for good fun
been hesitant heaving these heavens with better friends ever since
irrelevant
when i'm self-medicating
but good as hell with a cadence
they’ve been telling me patience
try transcendental meditation
well i go mental in silence
i could end up in asylums
i’ve been spineless, mindless
hocking these jewels
but finding there’s always some rough in the diamonds

yeah i've made some mistakes and i carry these scars
the shadow on my face and the weight in my heart
i'm dreaming of the places i'd rather be
always dreaming of the places i'd rather be

i've been on too long, no sleep
been going strong but feel so weak
trying find the bullseye on all my bullshit
and just blast it, not trying to pull punches
but do pull hits, out of anything, anywhere
yes i’m the culprit
yes i’ve been corporate
guess i’m the bandit
they stuck to guns
well i never banned it
i’m never landed
i’m chasing hooks
beats are rampant
had stages booked
all around the world
my feet are calloused
been stacking bandwidth
been snapping candids
with rabid fans in four corners
all that’s left is atlantis
but damnit
i can’t find my self anywhere on this planet
but i keep cruising

yeah i've made some mistakes and i carry these scars
the shadow on my face and the weight in my heart
i'm dreaming of the places i'd rather be
always dreaming of the places i'd rather be
Track Name: Know U
the deeper i go, the more that i know
the more i know there is to find
the flame is there, so why are we scared
of the things we try to hide

so i'll wait for you
long as you need
long as i know
you'll be with me
there's so much more
that we haven't seen

i want to know you
i want to know you
and i'm hoping that you want it
and i'm hoping that you know

the closer we get, the more i want it
you possess my heart and soul
so don't be afraid, don't keep me away
from the things i want to know

'cause i'll wait for you
long as you need
long as i know
you'll be with me
there's so much more
that we haven't seen

i want to know you
i want to know you
and i'm hoping that you want it
and i'm hoping that you know

we could just be fools in love
do you trust me, darling?
though i don’t know much of anything
i know i will be true

and i know you
i want to know you more
and i'm hoping that you want it
and i’m hoping that you know
Track Name: Gone
by the time i get you all alone
you’ve been drinking and smoking
looking for someone to take you home
you don’t know where you’re going

i’m back on those 3am nights
feeling so right
keeping you warm ’til you up and take flight
i’ve been addicted to you
vicious, it’s true
but nothing i ever do makes it right

i’m gone
i’m under this dark, i’m gone
no matter how far you go
or how close you stay

by the time i get you all alone
you’ve been crying and coping
looking for someone to hold you close
you don’t know where you’re going

i’m gone
and lost in the night

i’m back on that jealous, that void
you’re out with some boy
we didn’t make promises
but the rest is just noise to me
i’ve been alone in this dark
hid from the stars
get too far gone when i know you’re too far to see

i’m gone
i’m under this dark, i’m gone
no matter how far you go
or how close you stay

by the time i get you all alone
you’ve been drinking and smoking
i need to slow down

looking for someone to take you home
you don’t know where you’re going
i need to slow down

by the time i get you all alone
you’ve been crying and coping
i need to slow down

looking for someone to hold you close
you don’t know where you’re going
i need to slow down

i’m gone
and lost in the night
Track Name: Vice
yeah, now i’ve seen behind the curtain
seen in the mirror i’m more animal than person
certain i’m dealing hurt with no attrition
repeat the same mistakes but always wishing i was different
and i hit it hard, that rock bottom
that lost cause with that trough softened
that broad got him
that job propping
that jaw dropping
i stop talking
i’m caught
i try to give them something real
now we’re dealing with the way i really feel

i try to give them something real
all they wanna tell me is i’m so far away from healed
shining bright despite all this artificial light
i'm holed up in this night
hold up, how'd you think i write
so boxed in
i can't move
i can't breathe
i can't hear
i can't see
i can't speak my mind
this time, i do it differently
because evidently it's a spirit can't be crushed
and there's still a few people who believe

paralyzed
always looking for another pair of eyes
i know myselves
i know that i don’t know where to find that real heart, tin man
where to start, to begin again
i justify this rust of lies
i’m crushed and trying to move, scared to part
scared to death i’m losing it
more kinds of vices, i’m using it
all my devices profuse
with shit that i can’t wrap up and refuse to quit
make mad passes, slash gashes
bat masterfully, 4 hon average
ty cobb on a wax planet
i drop dry gobs of it off atlantis
underwater, no disadvantage
that’s underground, with more apparatus
so i can breathe in the coldest blackness
major leagues, i swim with blackfish
mvp - most vast practice
true perception, i’m done asking
for the cognizants, i cut classics
stay real, fuck status
Track Name: Sins Of The Now
i was born with freedoms but we all inherit the baggage
all inherit the madness of culture and soul ravaged
and there’s only so much that heals with time’s passage
and anyway i’d rather take action than an adage
blending in with the sharks that i’m swimming with
learned to play nice with the great whites
raising civil kids who can’t seem to recognize privilege
and my mission is i’m just trying to build a bridge
with my sisters and brothers of other colors
with the promise of being free and unencumbered
they throw us shade in the day
and out the lights when the sun is under
forcing us to come in numbers
so now there’s riots for rights, minors are dying tonight
coolies’ american dreams are featuring china at night
some came to work for a living, some didn’t have any choice
and now they’re dying in a country that denies them a voice
and they all have families, and those families live on
still proud to be from ‘round here though they’ve got to wake up at dawn
to start a ten mile walk or lay in back of a truck
to get to work at a job that doesn’t pay them enough
and then on top being told that they don’t belong any places
‘cause every color that isn’t beige needs qualifications
saying latin-american african-american asian-american
to people who’ve never set foot outside the nation
don’t get me started on native american
look up the actual dictionary definition of native
verses that i’m killing like they did defenseless children
whether smallpox or slaughter, taking these lives by the millions
and now they’re scared of a foreigner who’s not even a foreigner
makes me want to do some shit - somebody call in the coroner
someone sail in a ship, pull it up to the coast
start naming states and provinces, start turning people to ghosts
put a flag in the ground, spread some deadly disease
put the locals to war, get them down on their knees
and when they’re dead from the sickness or finished fighting your battles
then corral them like cattle, also kill all the cattle
burn down the lifestyle and culture
even the forest, ignite it
this is manifest destiny, i can dream, i can write it
let all us modern day north americans see how we like it
sins of the now

i’m still dreaming
i haven’t lost that feeling
but i need something more to believe in
need something more to believe in
i’m still dreaming
about a light down the road i’ve been seeing
but i need something more to believe in
give me something more to believe in

from other tyrants’ smoke, we were taking cover
searching high and low for a paper mother
tryna sow the seeds of a new life in china cove
inscribing poems on the walls of barracks disguised as homes
clipped their wings and they called it angel island
though why would we fly any closer to a coast of violence
with no rights to testify against whites
barred from business licenses and real estate rights
a lot of colonies had salient convictions
the uk label was “aliens restriction"
mother maple had a head tax fail us
an aussie policy literally called "white australia"
six decades of a chinese exclusion act
had a president executive producing that
and 442 came home from war to prove
they were fighting for some brutes still trying to shoot a jap
and today you’re still afraid and worrying
another pioneer is gonna come and take your work again
they’ve got entire police forces murdering
ny or chi-town, la to ferguson
now calling for cameras on coppers
and not the kind in the coffers
demanding justice and progress
when only suffering’s on offer
killer in public he’s pious
tone down from bigot to bias
but in his words and his actions
that’s where his prejudice highest
they make us work for equality
make us slave for equality
yeah it’s kind of ironic
we have to pay for these policies with our lives
and nobody asking are we ok
just years of impotent pronouncements from the doj
so now we’re brown nosers blowing your white tissue
can’t hack a race issue? then take a rights issue
you say it’s challenging, yeah man i’m right with you
‘cause we’re both in this for life, let the rice hit you
this is a matrimony, it’s indivisible
but you try to make individuals invisible
you don’t see black and yellow, so now we’re seeing red
and i hate it, don’t want to see anymore people dead
on either side, i don’t want there to be a side to block
it’s up to all of us together, only we decide to stop
sins of the now

i’m still dreaming
i haven’t lost that feeling
but i need something more to believe in
give me something more to believe in
i’m still dreaming
martin had a dream
about a light down the road i’ve been seeing
but i need something more to believe in
give me something more to believe in

it’s been futile since before the feudal
wealth and potential never distributed to the communal
every system has controls
and every hand has callouses
some from the power they hold
flogging every message that we might send
every speech never speaks to the right gents
no ears for the destitute
why’s every oppressor surprised somebody’s ready to fight them?
this hollow struggle for change
to see a slight bend rather than a break from status
with every night spent laboring
to give women and people of color the right
to vote for a selection of white men
it’s not my dream to be livid, delivering diatribes
can’t repair these relations, we’ll live and die a tribe
but still i’m calling for progress
‘cause even crawling is honestly faster
than waiting for kings to develop a conscience
keep making promises to all of the so-called godless
while building nations on a history of violence and conquest
so we’ll be scaling the fortress, we’ll be fighting the office
and we’ll brandish the truth, though we might not be the strongest
bring your army and i’ll bring my heart
sling your arrows, i’ll be using them to etch my art
you may have trampled us over, you may have knocked us down
but there’s a harmony within us that will always resound
it’s not a fight to be victors, it’s not a grab at the crown
it’s a dream of unity even when we’re kicked to the ground
‘cause even though i have anger my love is limitless loud
and the longer it lasts, it grows ever closer the clouds
stronger than animosity, that’s why i’m finishing proud
‘cause i have learned from every corner of a menacing crowd
we all deserve respect and peace, put your enmity down
the songs that i blast, you can’t diminish the sound
history marches and i don’t fight for the wrongs of the past
but the sins of the now
we’re bringing them down
so sing with me now

i’m still dreaming
martin had a dream
i haven’t lost that feeling
but i need something more to believe in
give me something more to believe in
i’m still dreaming
about a light down the road i’ve been seeing
give me something more to believe in
Track Name: ·— —· —· ·· ·
annie, are you okay?
Track Name: Shadow 2
yeah i've made some mistakes and i carry these scars
the shadow on my face and the weight in my heart
i'm dreaming of the places i'd rather be
always dreaming of the places i'd rather be

i don’t want to stay in tonight
wanna be under those white stars and black lights
black cars, white knights
tryna stack far up to these heights of love
i might, well i might
you taste so good
when tomorrow’s light years away
i’ve made mistakes, i would
like father like son like father like
there’s that darkness in the pit of my stomach
it’s so loud, and it follows me around
that’s the shadow that i live with now

yeah i've made some mistakes and i carry these scars
the shadow on my face and the weight in my heart
i'm dreaming of the places i'd rather be
always dreaming of the places i'd rather be

and it’s always on my mind
i think about it all the time
i try to hide it in this smoke
but i know it’s waiting there inside
yeah i’m always racked with guilt
i’m the blade and she’s my hilt
no matter how many tracks i kill
i know i’ll feel it, i know i will

feel it attacking the most when i’m back on the coast
stacking this gold but i’m trapped with a ghost
messing around with my blessings and now i’m stressing
‘cause i’m counting them up to be less than i hoped
i see you in ash-colored dreams
pulling the mask at the seams
you saw through opaque
and you told me transcend it
and i didn’t ask what you mean

yeah i've made some mistakes and i carry these scars
the shadow on my face and the weight in my heart
i'm dreaming of the places i'd rather be
always dreaming of the places i'd rather be
Track Name: Running
days go by like a blur
worry about everything, especially her
quiet mornings, she starts to stir
never met anyone so pure
sun keeps rising, stars keep shining
can’t hold it together with this love that i’m finding
just unwinding
that’s what i tell myself
but i’ve never been so lost
the void so pent up
wait, i can’t hardly
doing everything that makes me sorry
la hipsters, don’t stop the party
barkeep, pour another gin and campari
i’ve been running these blocks, blocks
trying to get away from the talk, talk
nothing inside to believe in
no clean window you could see in

i’m just running
from nothing, to nowhere
i’m just running
i don’t know and i don’t care
i’m just running
from nothing, to nowhere
i’m just running

i’m back in the fortress
fighting back all the forces that act on me
all our paths lead back to black torches
all our friends back home get divorces
i feel it all fall apart
i was scared from before the start
we were raised in good places
but the world changed
and it swept us into the dark
sun keeps rising, stars keep shining
hearing those sirens coming for her again
when she’s on the floor writhing
asked why
and i couldn’t say it felt like weird timing
came out of the blue
don’t know what more i could say to you
everybody's running from something
but what am i running to

i’m just running
from nothing, to nowhere
i’m just running
i don’t know and i don’t care
i’m just running
from nothing, to nowhere
i’m just running

i want to run through the streets of the city
until the city is no more

there’s no heart, no hall, could contain this love, no one
that was here from dawn of all dawn
that we’ve been built upon
that was made for wings over the sea
that could eclipse the sun
Track Name: Nothing Was Your Fault
eerie summer
take me under
you couldn’t be the one i want

magic hour
tragic power
you couldn’t be the one i want

now i’m holding on
tremble in gloaming cloud
nothing was your fault

nameless, faceless
hiding places
you couldn’t be the one i want

mortal, coward
fictions flower
you couldn’t be the one i want

aggregated loss
churning like kansas winds
nothing was your fault

nothing was your fault
i've been so disconnected
nothing was your fault